What is up with me these days?? I am going to go as far as making this blog a daily diary entry as my mind right now permits. Right now, I am listening to Pink Floyd, a live version of Fearless, with people going chorusy in the back ground. I always like these songs, with the chorusy bits, where the crowd comes in and sings the songs for the musicians (case in point nothing else matters live versions, by metallica or paradise live versions, by coldplay (para para paraaa)). But, keeping in mind that important things come first, I'll segue into a topic that I had planned to discuss about. This is a post. It's not a post I'd like to call the best post ever, literally or languageally (we had english literature and english language in school, for those who didn't languageally/linguistically means grammatically). This is a post about what's on with me in life today, as I see it.
I've not written a post in 2 years. August 2011 was the last date, and I'm so sad that I haven't written anything in between. That was awful and lazy of me. But, now, right now, I feel engaged enough to claim :"I could write new posts everyday". This inspiration comes in spurts. It's like God gets lazy and starts watching football matches, forgets that he's put something in the oven. He'd be like, "Oh Shit!! I was preparing that inspiration dish and totally forgot about it. Whop!! I see a lot of discouraged people in South Asia." (Apparently, God has forgotten the comedy dish in the oven as well).
I read this book. It's a famous book, by Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment. In short, it's about a guy who commits murder, and regrets it for the rest of his life. He finds love in between. Not the kind of love that includes both parties engaging in relationship talk, divulging each other's deep secrets to each other. It was a kind of love that comes out of mutual respect and tacitness. Sometimes, the unsaid is more deep than the said could ever be. That is a beautiful story, and it gave me something that no other book has ever given. It gave me a philosophy. Although, the book doesn't clearly highlight it, I got great pangs of existentialism through it.
See, I'm an honest guy. Even when I'm not drunk, I usually let everyone realize what I'm about. Sometimes i come of as a little off-society. An introvert, who doesn't wish to interact perhaps. Or maybe, someone who's just too serious about life and has some objective in life set forth always. My facial expressions usually don't help me. There are trust issues for everyone who ever sees me, as my expression reminds them of an angry young man, who's out avenging his family's lost honor. And so, I'm not that. I'm just a straightforward guy, who's got a different style of living than most. Perhaps, there are many who feel this way. You're not along my friends!!!
So what does a person like me think? Firstly, I have numerous things I'd like to do in life, not because there's a bucket list or anything. Bucket lists are too uncool for what I'm trying to do. It's just that I want to inspect ways of life, and see what those ways of life bring to people. It would be fun being a bungee jumping instructor, wouldn't it?? No it wouldn't , it would probably suck for the guy. Imagine his wife, she would go, "ohe yeah my husband!!! he jumps off a bridge for a living". Yeah, it seems cool to hear that, but if you think about society, some wouldn't be completely reassured by that line of business. So, for some bungee jumpers, bungee jumping isn't the best they want out of life. I hope I'm making sense here, because it'd be very difficult to explain that using some other analogy.
So, I look at new experiences. What do I hope to gain out of these new experiences (Shine on You crazy diamond - pink floyd, brings tears). I want to just learn about ways of life, that's it. I like alone time, the time spent on a hill looking down on a city, or on a beach, when the breeze is playing tricks with your hair, and intoxicating you into a enjoying a good evening (Seriously, sea clubs/pubs/restaurants/dhabas are ideally the best) Why do I like that alone time?? Because it makes me believe that I'm coming closer to peace. But am I? Not really. I enjoy peace for a couple of hours, and it's back to the original score of life again. "What is the weather like in your city?", "Oh, I know a friend who's a friend of my brother who has gone there".
What could truly bring peace. I imagine, that knowing multiple aspects of life, experiencing them and choosing how to live yours, not because there are ways of life you've seen and can select the best among them, but because, you know yourself and what you're good/bad at, and where you would be most comfortable.
I'm no expert at these scenarios. All, I know is comfort with oneself is primary to living a life you can be alright with in the end when it matters most. But that's just what I'm thinking right now. I'm certain that it'll change in the future, but right now, I hope it doesn't. Because, I don't mind living my entire life like this. We come here, we go.
"If a man does his best, what else is there?" (General Patton)
-hoping to continue with more rants more often for my own sake, because this is an awesome diary.. Gmail rocks!!!
-Saurabh Ahlawat (10-05-2013)